The TNG Files: You Can't Believe
by Hellakenut
Summary: The famed crew of the Enterprise faces their greatest challenge when they come face-to-face with our favorite FBI agents.


**Author's note:** That's right, X-Files meets Star Trek TNG. This fan fic will have drama, suspense, romance, action, adventure, and, above all else, COMEDY. Hope you enjoy crazy!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the characters, I only abuse them.

It was a dark and stormy night… dear god, not that opening title. Why must stories always start with this crap? Eh, let's have a more "phosisticated" start…

The USS Enterprise D was unusually quiet (that's better). Since the majority of the crew went on shore leave, activity was low. The Enterprise was currently stationed at Earth in dry-dock; nothing but inspections and or repairs were being performed. The almighty crew was having fun enjoying their time off away from the weekly special anomalies they encountered. Shall we explore what our lovable crew is up to?

Captain Jean-Luc Picard is currently "vacationing" in Labarre, France. Because this was his home town, he wanted to take a blast from the past and view the hills and trees he once knew as a young child. Of course, seeing the newly rebuilt home did stir up emotional feelings; the fire that took the life of his nephew, Rene, still upset him greatly. But let's skip the sad stuff and move on to what our bald greatness is up to.

Picard was playing with his toy Enterprise and fantasizing about new stuff to discover. He was located in the living room by a coffee table dressed in blue pajamas that had a pattern of Kirk's head on them.

Picard suddenly raised the toy and exclaimed. "Ohhh no! The ship is going down, AHHHH!"

He made a crashing sound with his mouth.

Picard looks to the reader and smiles broadly. "I'm having so much fun!" He said jubilantly.

So our captain is letting out his inner kid. Let's move on to the rest of the crew… no that will take to long, let's go in fast motion and get with the story!

Beverly was reliving the 80's lifestyle back at her nana's place.

Deanna was with Riker.

Riker was banging Deanna.

Geordie was teaching children about double rainbows.

Worf was trying to learn how earthly snakes slither with such smooth dexterity.

Wesley was gone doing homework with the traveler.

However, out of all of these, Data was doing the most interesting thing; visiting a strange planet. It was located near Earth, but only Data can see it because he's cool like that. He was studying the surface and making predictions on how the barren, gray-white landscape was formed.

Data cocked his head. "It appears that this planet consists of a material that humans commonly consume."

NO, my dear readers, it's not cheese.

Data then placed the substance under his tricorder and examined the results. Indeed his assumptions were correct.

He nodded approval. "Confirmed. This planet is, in fact, made of marshmelons."

*cough* Marshmallows, but that's what Kirk called them so it's fine.

Data made an amused face and placed the substance back on the ground. "I will need to perform a full investigation. However I can conclude that this is an early developing type 'M' planet." He turns to the reader and lifts his left index finger. "Type 'M' stands for marshmelon." He smiles and beams back to his transport ship.

Soon after, shore leave comes to a close and the crew of the Enterprise return to their stations. Worf came back looking irritable; Geordie looked and acted rather high; Beverly didn't change much, but her hair was bigger; Deanna and Riker shared knowing looks and blushed whenever they make eye contact; Wesley is still doing homework; finally, Picard lightened up a little and skipped to places every now and then, but stopped doing it after a day.

Little do we know what lies ahead, what horrors Data will bring, WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!

…But first, a little word from our other well-known dynamic duo.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

"Mulder!" Scully shouted at the closed bathroom door. "Hurry up or Skinner will have our heads."

Mulder, knowing that Skinner will have a little more than just their heads, quickened his pace and opened the bathroom door.

He stood in the opening and leaned against the side with his arms crossed. A dopey grin crept up his face. "I think you like waiting for me, Scully."

Scully raised an eyebrow and gave him a skeptical look. "Is that so?"

"Yes, but stop asking questions and let's get to work. Hurry up." He said annoyingly.

Scully looked as if she was going to take out her gun and shoot him, but Mulder turned away smiled to himself.

_This is going to be fun!_ He thought.

They meandered their way through Mulder's confusing apartment and finally found themselves outside next to their Ford POS. Scully got into the driver's seat.

"Rev up the car and burn some rubber, Scully!" Mulder said while bouncing up and down in the passenger seat like a sugar-drunk toddler.

"Mulder, calm down. Why are you so excited?"

He rolled his head in her direction. "It's a secret," he lifted his finger to his lips. "Shh."

Scully rolled her eyes and they went off to work. Sometime during the trip they stopped by McDonalds. Mulder kept badgering Scully into getting him a happy meal until she complied. Of course, she ended up paying for his meal, and, what's worse, Mulder spilled his orange soda on his pants and started whining about it making a stain. Luckily there was a Wal-Mart nearby and he got himself a new pair of pants. Somehow, this all happened in mere minutes. How? Because Mulder and Scully have super powers, that's why.

Once they got to their office, Mulder ran over to his desk and started clearing away papers and other utilities, but nothing changed; the papers were replaced with more papers, creating an infinite loop of "Mulder stuff."

Scully sat down at her desk and stared at him. "So, are you going to show me this big exciting thing of yours?"

Mulder stopped his actions and turned to face her. "Are you hitting on me, Scully?"

Scully raised that Spock brow again. "You know what I mean."

Mulder smiled and opened a drawer behind his desk. He took out what appeared to be a toy alien.

He walked over to Scully and leaned in over the desk close to her. He raised the toy to eye level. "This is Frankie," he said. Scully began to talk but he spoke before her. "Now hear me out, Scully," he said slightly desperately. "I found this outside and I can't identify what it's made out of."

Scully looked skeptical again. "Mulder, are you suggesting that this is an 'alien' alien toy?"

Mulder shrugged. "I'm just the messenger, Scully." He leaned out and tossed the toy to her. "You decide if it's an ET or not." Mulder returned to his desk, sat down, and started eating pencils.

Scully examined the toy. It was green with black almond shaped eyes and a stout body, much like those toys you got at McDonalds that hop when you wind them up. "Why is it called Frankie?"

Mulder stopped his assault on the pencils and made that dopey smile again. "It's the name of a game character, a brown dog." Mulder then looks to the reader and says dryly. "He's from a Jumpstart game, kids. Look him up."

He and Scully sat in companionable silence for a while before Scully agreed to do a full examination of the toy. She performed tests on the small toy, even going as far as to give it an autopsy. Mulder sat in the lab area where Scully was typing her report. He was reading an issue of Playboy and occasionally made sounds of "wowzers" or "interesting." Of course, he only did this to piss Scully off.

Finally, Scully finished her report and walked over to Mulder. She ripped the magazine out of his hand and tossed it out the window. The magazine ricocheted off the side of the building and fell on top of a crazy person. The man looked up to the sky and yelled "WHY IS THIS ALWAYS HAPPENING?"

Our duo was oblivious to this outcry. Mulder made a mock-sad face at Scully. "You always take away my fun."

She rolled her eyes. "I successfully identified the toy, Mulder."

Mulder squeaked and quickly made his way to the computer to read her report. However, instead of the usually paragraph, there was only one word: PLASTIC.

Mulder tried not to laugh. "It took you this long to type that word? I think you need some help, Scully."

"Mulder, just because we haven't had a good case in a month..."

"…doesn't mean we can't have a little fun!" Mulder finished for her.

Before Scully could retort, the door to the lab opened. Skinner walked in with a case file. He told them that someone stole something from someplace somewhere near this place. You know, the typical boring stuff they have been receiving lately. Skinner went to leave, but noticed the toy alien on the autopsy bed. He eyed it for a moment before leaving, mumbling something about Mulder and his "alien fettish."

Mulder looked to Scully and smiled weakly. "Well, at least we are being paid."


End file.
